One Woman

I come from a family of five, 2 adults and 3 children - my twin sister and I, and a younger brother.  My parents were divorced by the time we got to high school, and the kids all lived with my mother.  We struggled to get by at times, even when my parents were still married, and I think that shaped our view of money (lack of) and finances.  My sister and I both did well in school and had a lot of friends while growing up.

I always knew I would go to college and attended a four-year university in Kalamazoo, graduating with a Bachelor of Arts degree.  It wasn't easy to make friends at times, and even more difficult to keep them.  I wanted people to see me as important in their lives but most were unable to show it in a way that I understood or recognized.  I did become friends with a group of people that meant alot to me though I never really felt like I fit in with them.

After college I went to work right away for EDS, and held a couple positions there before getting laid off.  In some ways that felt like the beginning of the end for me, as I was already severely depressed and going through counseling.  My therapist thought I was improving, and with the introduction of anti-depressants, did not see the need for me to return. 

I had no income or health coverage to pay for help, little money to pay bills or groceries, and started working part-time to supplement unemployment.  Things went from bad to worse, and I left my apartment, was almost evicted from a flat, had my SUV repossessed, and had to move back home with my mother.

I continued to play hockey throughout all of this, and began meeting women of all orientations.  In the beginning what I would have termed sexual preference I now know has more to do with gender and how one is made up on the inside, regardless with whom they prefer sex.  I had dated men most of my formative years and through college but someone challenged me to consider dating women and I realized I was open to the idea.  I always have said that you fall in love with a person, their soul, not what body parts they have. 

The first hockey team captain I had stirred emotions in me I had not felt for a girl, and so it began that I started dating women.  At fist I did not know what to call myself - lesbian seemed to describe someone I was not, and I knew lesbians would question the fact that I had dated men.  I learned that "bi" had a negative connotation all it's own, thanks to the many women out there who sleep with men and women but will only date men.  It wasn't like that for me - I had never had sex with a man - and found I did have strong relationships with women, just as meaningful as anything I had with men.  I was capable of falling in love with them and did, sometimes dating for a month or two, other times things lasted longer, until all of my long-term relationships had now been with women, and they were the only ones I had slept with.  I had several girlfriends before I told my family, and was fairly entrenched in the gay community, i.e., all of my friends were gay, went to gay clubs, saw things from a lesbian perspective.

It was the most curious thing, probably 5 years later, that I found myself living in Tampa, FL, with someone who was not a lesbian.  After dating someone who lived in Canada, I fully expected to move there.  It truly wasn't where I belonged or with whom I should be dating but it took me a while to admit that.  Moving to Florida was a big step for me as it meant leaving my family and a job I loved.  

I met my boyfriend at a Butch-Femme event in October and I began chatting with him online.   I learned that he considered himself transgendered, and was going to begin the process of transitioning from female to male.  Lee seemed sure from the beginning that he loved me and wanted me to be with him.   It was a deeper, more mature love than I had experienced with anyone, and hard to resist.  We waited until the end of January before I actually moved down there.  I brought whatever would fit in my car - clothes, cat, computer.  I really believed at that point love conquered all, and we could overcome whatever obstacles came our way because we loved each other. 

But things never go in my life as planned, and living with someone you hardly knew was more difficult than I realized, as was the transition from MI to FL.  I had to get new everything - license, car insurance, job, friends, etc. - and learn how to date someone you were living with, a first for me.  The changes were overwhelming and I did not adapt well - it was too hot, Lee did things very different, people weren't terribly friendly or interested in becoming friends.  I tried the housewife thing for a while but didn't like the expectations placed on me.  I liked volunteering at the zoo but couldn't find a part-time job to go along with it. 

I became more depressed, which meant I was moody all the time and always on edge, and this caused a lot of friction between us.  We were so different from one another and had no real common ground between us.  I know he tried so hard to make things better for me.  He paid my bills until I started working and even said I didn't have to work if I didn't want to.  We moved to a house because I felt the apartment, which he liked, was too small for 2 people and 2 cats.  He bought me clothes for my larger size to help me feel better about myself and told me I was beautiful. 

I was never the girl he thought be brought to FL though, as I had become so frustrated with everything and deeply immersed in my sadness.  People at work would describe this happy, go-getter, who worked hard for the team, was independent in thought and action, and he always wondered why that girl never came home at night.  All he got was a grumpy, moody girl who couldn't motivate herself to do anything.  By the time I started seeing a therapist down there and looking for alternative activities and friends for myself, it was too late; the damage had been done.  He closed himself off to being in a relationship with me - we were a couple only in appearance - but we argued if we spoke at all, and there was no warmth, no tenderness coming from him that I had felt so strongly before.  When neither of us knew how to make things better, and he didn't really want to try anymore (I would have never given up I think), I knew we had to go our separate ways, even though it broke my heart.

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